Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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