Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
