glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
