Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
