I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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