She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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