Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
