That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
