Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
