this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
