If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
