can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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