It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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