You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
