Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
