Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
