He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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