I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Randomize
