You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
