Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
