Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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