I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
