This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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