I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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