So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
