You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
