I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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