he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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