oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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