If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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