im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
