You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
