I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
