I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
