Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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