Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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