I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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