We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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