I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
