My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Houston, we have a squirter
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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