opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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