What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it hurts more in the daytime
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
