Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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