i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
