Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
