the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
