i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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