i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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