Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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