if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
