how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
