I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you didnt know i had herpes?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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