i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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