I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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