I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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